Today I was thinking of two traps where I have fallen in. And I keep doing it.
Trap No. 1 #Denial# I am fine!
Trap No. 2 #Blaming# It is you. Not me.
I am not the person I used to be a few years ago. Time has changed me. Everything changes as time goes by.
Sometimes I try to find another way. I want it, and I succeed in it.
Or maybe I need a change, and yet I fail.
Other times a change happens without my will. It is natural but sad then (death, illness).
The thing is that we should expect changes. We will succeed sometimes, and we cannot always avoid failure.
But, there is a different subject that frustrates me. I am stable, and the reasons are neither procrastination nor the circumstances.
So what can it be then?
Denial.
Trap:
I believe I know myself and my needs very well. I am sure about what I pursue.
Yet, the truth is
a) I ignore much of my needs.
b) I do not know myself as much as I think.
c) I do not accept and love myself as much as I need.
So,
I keep going, ignoring a lot of my needs. I try, and I am sure I am doing the right thing. But, every moment pushes me away from my truth.
Personal paradigms
- I am happy when everyone else is happy. I prioritize other people, and I forget my needs. But, it never works this way. I end up being angry or bitter. So I do not receive love, and the love I offer comes out of guilt.
- I have to do something practical to feel loved and accepted. I push myself away from my true self. I ignore parts of myself that make me happy. And these parts can offer value to others, too.
- I can do it better by myself. I used to have the misconception that vulnerability is a weakness. I always wanted to become independent. And I used to believe that asking for help is not accepted. So, in my relationships, I worked things on my own. I might have avoided a few conflicts, but long-term is not a good idea.
- I created distance without realizing it. I now see that it is not honest to hide, and it is also very tiring. I believed it was a win-win, yet it was quite the opposite.
- The thing is that relationships are painful but worth a try. And they need connection and openness. After a lot of practice, I have experienced another feeling. And this is to need and be needed. I do not see interdependence as a weakness now. Yet, I feel that two people can do it better than one. So, I see conflicts as chances and not as obstacles. Maybe not at first glance but a second thought.
- When two or more people work as a team, they create something great for themselves (and the others). Respect and acceptance are my keywords. Respect and acceptance make a strong tie that can keep people together in a storm.
- But, I also have to be careful of my default reaction. (I have said before that my common responses are to hide and avoid conflicts).
Blaming
In my life, I cannot control everything and especially the others. So it is unproductive to spend energy finding excuses or blaming circumstances and people for my actions. I believe it is wiser to find my path and walk it with some help or not. I have also noticed some paradoxes for myself in the blaming trap.
- This period is difficult for me. Everything goes wrong. I would not mind facing one problem at a time but not so many together. And, of course, not with all the other demanding things I have to do.
The truth is that all periods have their challenges. Maybe some days need more focus, and others pressure us more.
But, if I see macro, they all have some similarities.
Sometimes if I do not work on a problem, it may become a monster. And, if I ignore a lot of my problems, maybe for a certain period, everything feels right.
But sooner or later,
a) a big problem appears.
This problem unravels the other buried difficulties I used to ignore.
Or put it in other words, if I had worked on my daily challenges, the big issue would not be so overwhelming.
b) the small problem becomes a big problem, and then I do not have the energy or the will to work on it.
So for me, relationships are the roots. I have to work on my relationship with myself, family, friends, and colleagues. And, I will have allies by me in my happy and sad moments.
- I am concentrated and work better when alone (without kids).
I could not be more wrong. Yet now and then, this thought returns and makes me anxious. And this is the easiest excuse, too. I do not meet my daily goals. So who can I blame? Well, I am a mother. My kids need me. That is why I do not have enough time for my personal goals.
However, this is a lie I tell myself. The love I have experienced being a mother is unique. And I can say without any exaggeration that this love has transformed me. I said that I did not meet my personal goals. But, I did not reveal that I have discovered them after motherhood. I also did not admit that my kids inspire me, and some of my most creative moments occur because of their presence.
So they are not to blame but to be honored for helping me. Plus, I must take responsibility for my wrong decisions. They are mine and not their mistakes. For instance, I may put wrong priorities and let guilt or fatigue lead me.
On the other hand, I must say that when I was single, I could focus more on my lists sometimes*. But now, I try to learn that it is more challenging and amusing to work effectively in chaos. I also feel closer to my true self, so time is not always my enemy. I want to watch time with binoculars (long term). Thus, a few overwhelming moments will seem cute looking back. Or some effective days may look lonely and sad looking back.
* “Sometimes” is an important word here. Single or not, I always had distractions that stopped me from pursuing my goals. So, again the point is to discover the real obstacle. It is not something practical. The answer is usually mindset.
