Today I feel like writing down about a painful feeling to unravel its truth and understand it better.
The feeling I am talking about today is: I am blue. I feel down no matter what. An emotion that does not correlate to my assets.
In other words, I may have a great job, home, family, friends, interests, and looks. Still, some days are not bright and will never be, regardless of how hard I try to protect myself and build a story in which I always succeed.
It can start with one tiny complaint or worry and end up like a plumbing leak that results in a flood. A crack that had made way for all the other pains of my life to come out.
The reasons for my sadness can be numerous, and I know if I ask other people about their worries will tell me different things. The reasons are as unique as every one of us is.
Plus, my obstacle might be a repeated one. Or it can be something that appeared only once. Yet, the reason is usually more profound than what I thought it was in the first place.
Another thing is, why do these challenging moments appear at that specific time?
I guess the answer is in moments of greater vulnerability. For instance, I am trapped in a feeling and cannot handle it as I do not ask for support.
In another case, I think I am asking for help, but my loved ones do not get the message. I may not use their compatible language, or they have blocks and cannot see the big picture.
So my worries relate to myself, my relationships, and my environment.
However, after years, I concluded that help is a crucial key. And when I ask it lovingly, I usually get a positive response. So I feel great relief immediately.
Yet, it is crucial to let myself experience sadness, too. The emotion will take me on a journey with it. I know it has something to tell me.
So if I see the root of the problem, in some cases, this is enough. The problem might be fixed automatically like magic.
And if I find out the reason, it is up to me- to take care of it- or let it be without fixing anything.
My conclusion after all this introspection is to accept and love my dark side, too.
It is normal to appear now and then. More or less, and for numerous reasons.
I cannot escape from this part of me as it has something to tell me.
And after leaving, it pushes me to action.
I feel I should welcome such negative emotions. Understand and learn from them.
It is like feeling compassion for myself- I hurt on the one hand- but I
thank my dark side for visiting me because I know it has to remind me of some wounds.
I cannot avoid feeling depressed or helpless at certain moments.
But, if I love the whole picture, I understand that sadness is not a situation that lasts forever.
I will let it come, and the paradox is that the more permissive I am, the more beneficial it will be to me.
When it leaves, my happiness will become stronger, too.
Of course, I take care of myself in hard times.
I let my loved ones spoil and support me.
The clouds disappear when I talk or hang out with people. And I do not mean family exclusively. I mean even a passerby.
Sometimes it is easier to talk to strangers, too.
When I communicate with others, I see our humanity. I look at their clouds, and I worry for them. But at the same time, I relax. I understand that it is normal to have clouds myself. I am not alone. We all face worries now and then.
These worries are unique and give me some strength. I will put it, in other words, to make it clear. I, as a mom, have worries that have to do with my role as a parent.
For instance, I talk to another mom and listen to her struggles or suggestions. I see a new perspective. And I think to myself. It is easy for her. I will try it myself when I am ready and see how it goes. Or that is a way that worked out for her. It may help me, as well.
Of course, like always, the keyword is self. I mean, help is crucial, but I am the protagonist. So my first job is to understand my anxieties and needs, and the second is to take care of them. My family can support me if I only have the perspective to walk the line.
And I must remind myself my effectiveness or self-worth is independent of my mistakes or sadness. A negative emotion or action is not related to my capability.